


retreat as far as possible, until you can go no further

by gohoubi



Series: soft melaudrey fics [2]
Category: Snowpiercer (TV 2020)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Pre-Canon, Angst, Caretaking, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Nobody Dies, Pillow Talk, Potentially OOC, Self-Indulgent, Sharing a Bed, Sickfic, not at all realistic so don't come after me :)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-16
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:53:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25829968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gohoubi/pseuds/gohoubi
Summary: An epidemic happens on Snowpiercer, and Melanie is stuck with Audrey helping her recover.
Relationships: Miss Audrey/Melanie Cavill
Series: soft melaudrey fics [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2128500
Kudos: 25





	retreat as far as possible, until you can go no further

**Author's Note:**

> Full disclosure: this fic is like, not very realistic...just an excuse for Mel to hang out with a sick Audrey. So don't go into it expecting any medical/public health realism, lol.
> 
> Also, this fic doesn't exist in the same universe as the previous Melaudrey fic I did...I mean, it would just be too hard for both of them to match up, and it's like nah. But go read that one too if you haven't already :D

“It will be fine,” Mel said. “I’ll stay in the subtrain, go straight there and come straight back. It will be fine.”

Bennett smirked a little. “Sure this isn’t just because you’re bored of us?”

“Shut up, Bennett,” Mel hurled at the other engineer, pulling on some old clothes, including the MIT sweater. Nobody would recognise her in that, especially not downtrain. “Have some respect.”

Bennett sipped his coffee, looking perfectly relaxed as he always did. “Okay, okay. Whatever, go see your girlfriend.”

Mel was about to hit back at him with something venomous, but Javi broke in. “You know to stay in the subtrain? Don’t get near anyone? Don’t touch anything?” Above all, Mel knew his underlying question was _Are you sure?_

“I know. I know. Yes, I will do all that. I’m not the only one here who read the _Essential Snowpiercer Pandemic Guide_ by our ‘Beloved Wilford’.” Mel accentuated the last two words with air quotes, which made Bennett snicker. At Javi’s truly concerned expression, Mel turned serious. “I’ll stay safe, Javi. I’m not going to do anything stupid.”

“I know. I’m just saying.” Javi turned away, pretending to busy himself with the controls. Not quick enough, because Mel saw a telltale blush colour his cheeks.

“Be careful,” Bennett said, leaning forward slightly. “It would be a shame to lose our best engineer.”

“I’ll make sure to stay alive.” Mel zipped up her bag. “You haven’t seen the last of me yet.”

* * *

The subtrain was normally quiet directly under First Class. Unless there was a repair needed, the tunnel was deserted, the pistons pumping out their rhythm eternally in the dark. Mel shivered in spite of herself - so she didn’t draw unwanted attention, she’d left the heat off down here. If she had left it on, a Brakeman would definitely come to investigate. The train juddered and shook as it went over the tracks. Mel stared down the barrel of the train, at the endless corridor twisting away from her. She had a long walk ahead. Hundreds of cars away lay the Nightcar, and Audrey. The subtrain ended at the beginning of First Class residences (“We can’t have that horrid contraption going underneath our feet all the time,” Lilah Folger had said) and there were twenty residence cars. Mel’s mind calculated - at least three kilometres walking through the subtrain, if not more. Then thirteen or so kilometres in the transport. Considering the transport only went three kilometres an hour…Mel sighed in spite of herself.

Mel considered turning back. Go back up the hatch, into the safety of the engine, ride out the epidemic with Javi and Bennett. She could do that. The pistons sighed in their enclosures, in and out, in and out. _Go. Stay. Go. Stay. Stay. Go. Stay. Go. Go. Go._

Mel knew that if she took a step, she couldn’t turn back. She imagined the train, silent and empty of people. Everyone shut up in their homes, waiting in fear for the epidemic to pass. The Nightcar deserted, dark and foreboding. Audrey in her tiny attic room…waiting.

_Please, Audrey, just last until I get there. Please._

* * *

To Mel’s unease, Audrey’s attic space was completely overturned. Clothes were littered all over the couch, and the normally tidy duvet was rumpled up and half on the floor. In the middle of it all was Audrey, dozing, damp hair fanned out on the pillow. She startled awake when Mel turned on the lamp, bathing the room in a sickly yellow light. Mel’s heart flip-flopped when she got a good look - Audrey was flushed, her eyes unfocused and watery, hair lanky from sweat and not washing.

“You came,” Audrey said, her voice sounding as if it was coming through a wet trash compactor. Mel climbed over the detritus, scooped Audrey into her arms. “It’s alright, Audrey, I’m here now.”

“I thought you wouldn’t come,” Audrey half-sobbed. More scary than the illness was Audrey’s complete, unashamed vulnerability. Mel assumed she was just too sick to care, but it was not a comforting thought. “It was so hard waiting…what took you so long?” 

Mel violently quashed a brief spurt of annoyance. “I had to get medication, tell people I would be ‘unavailable’. Tacitly, of course. But it’s okay, I’m not going to leave you.” Mel let Audrey lie down again, felt her forehead. “You’re burning up, Audrey. How long have you been sick?”

“Two…days. Maybe three,” she moaned, trying to lift her head off the pillow. “I’m gonna get you sick.”

“Well, I’m not going anywhere, so don’t worry about it.” Mel knelt next to the mattress, trying to take stock of the situation. A tiny white basin in the corner of the room caught her eye - “Audrey, have you been throwing up?”

“Yeah,” Audrey said, eyes cloudy and unfocused. “Started…maybe yesterday.”

Mel made a mental note to tell the medical team about it. She couldn’t focus on that though, because Audrey started to gag. It was all Mel could do to hold the other woman over the basin while Audrey suffered through a brutal round of unproductive retching.

“Jesus Christ,” is all Mel said once it was over. She gathered the shivering Audrey into her arms, rubbing her back.

“Told you it was bad,” Audrey said weakly.

Mel cursed her reluctance to come here sooner. “Yeah, I know. Is there anything else other than the puking I should know about?” Audrey broke into a coughing fit in response. “Maybe that,” she choked out once she finished.

 _I really should have studied medicine,_ Mel thought. “How about I clean up and get you back to bed, yeah?” Audrey said nothing, just let Mel put her back down on the mattress. Mel remade the bed, pulling the blankets up.

“Don’t go away,” Audrey whispered, her eyes drifting closed.

“I won’t,” Mel said. _Where else would I go?_

* * *

Audrey slept for the next two hours while Mel tried her best to make a dent in the mess. She tried not to think about the state of other living spaces in the train. If the normally tidy Audrey’s room looked like a bomb went off in it…Mel shuddered at the thought. It was stuffy and hot. More than that was the reek of illness, drifting like a shadowy interloper through the room. If only she could open a window. _The air conditioning would be more than I bargained for._ Mel was at least thankful for Audrey’s slumber, which gave her some time to think of what to do.

Or not. _I can’t do this…what made me think that I would be any more help down here than up there? I’m just an engineer…I should have stayed in the engine. Now I’m stuck in the Nightcar with no plan whatsoever. Worse than useless…_

Mel’s reverie was broken by Audrey coughing again, more violently than before. Again Mel could do nothing but stay with her until it passed. Once it did, Audrey started to cry. “Chest hurts. Throat hurts.” Audrey’s voice sounded so weak that Mel’s heart broke cleanly in two. “I know, I know. Take this.” Mel broke the seal on a medication canister - ignoring the expiry date - and gave it to Audrey. She took the medication and the water bravely, but Mel could see that it still hurt.

“Tastes like shit,” Audrey mumbled.

“Sorry about that. You should feel better in a little while.”

Audrey flopped against Mel’s chest, her whole body shaking with exertion. “I just…wanna lie here.”

Mel ran her fingers through Audrey’s sweaty, tangled hair. “Sleep if you want. I’m not going anywhere.”

The PA system dinged its characteristic three-tone sound, and Ruth’s voice came on over the speakers. _Good morning Snowpiercer, from Wilford Industries. it is currently 8:00 in the morning…_

The sound quality was far worse in the Nightcar than in the engine; even Mel found it grating to listen to. Audrey moaned. “Head hurts,” she said, her voice cracking again.

“I know. It should be over soon. Breathe.” Mel rubbed Audrey’s back and tried to block the noise out herself. Eventually Ruth finished giving her message and the three-tone sound recurred again. _She’s having way too much fun with that responsibility._ The train fell into blessed silence.

“How are you feeling now?”

Audrey shifted. “A little better.” Mel broke open a bag of plain crackers. Audrey’s face immediately wrinkled in disgust. “I’m not eating those. I wouldn’t eat those even on a good day.” The crackers were made in the train’s resident bakery, and left a lot to be desired. Mel remembered a charity gala she went to as Wilford’s representative. She ate tasteful little flat breads with sunflower seeds and herbs. Mel didn’t say so, but she agreed with Audrey’s sentiment. _If only First Class saw what was coming for them once the non-perishables ran out._ All of it gone. Replaced with crackers that were like drink coasters. Lilah Folger would have a fit. Mel would have liked to see that, if only for the comedic value. Have First Class be the ones to struggle for a change.

“They’re healthy. And inoffensive. So eat them.”

“I’m not sure about that description - “ Audrey took the crackers, forced them down. “ - but it’s you giving them to me, so I’ll do it.” She swallowed with obvious difficulty, then looked up at Mel. “Happy?”

Mel smiled in spite of herself. “Sure.”

Audrey’s head dropped onto Mel’s chest. “Tired. Wanna sleep.”

Mel let Audrey back down onto the mattress and climbed in next to her. Audrey buried her face in Mel’s sweater, inhaled deeply. “Your shirt…it smells like you.”

“You can keep it if you want.” Mel pulled the blanket back over them. “Go back to sleep. I’m not going anywhere.”

* * *

They spent most of the day lounging around. Mel forced more medication and water into Audrey. Ruth came on the PA three seperate times more to deliver the same tired platitudes about the epidemic. After the second one, Mel considered putting an axe in the speaker, but decided against it.

Audrey lay on the mattress while Mel wiped her forehead with a cool cloth. The former was particularly irritable because of the constant noise. “Does she not have something better to do? Like…help out with the sick?”

“No, she doesn’t. Ruth’s been after the PA for years.” Mel chuckled ruefully. “When she heard I ‘got sick’, as it were, I think she was just happy she could do the announcements.” Mel felt briefly guilty for her vilification of her colleague. It got a weak smile out of Audrey though.

“Did you pretend to be sick so you could get down here?”

“How else could I come see you?”

“Melanie…” Audrey’s face turned serious. She shakily grabbed at Mel’s wrist. “Don’t get yourself in trouble for me.”

Mel immediately regretted saying anything. “Audrey, it’s alright. There’s nothing I don’t do now that someone else can’t.” That was a bit of a lie. Mel would rather open the train door than add to Audrey’s distress, however. “I’ll always come if you need me. No matter what.”

* * *

_“Melanie? Melanie, are you there?”_

_Audrey’s voice was weak and thick with congestion; Mel already knew what had transpired. “Yes, I’m here.” There was no point in stating the obvious; Audrey’s voice was a dead giveaway already._

_“Melanie…I’m alone down here…everyone went back to their classes and…”_

_“Nobody’s staying with you?”_

_“I sent them all home but…I’m scared…” A choked sob on the other end of the line. Mel could hear Audrey struggling to catch her breath, and resisted the urge to cry herself. “Melanie, can you come? I need you. I don’t want to be alone.”_

_Vulnerable Audrey. A side of her rarely, if ever seen. For some reason this shook Mel right to her core._ Is it finally becoming real for you, Melanie? _is what Bennett would have to say about it. Mel’s mind ran through all the preparations she would have to make, all the alibis, the pilfering from First Class medication, the questioning looks and the exposure. None of it mattered. Nothing at all. Mel imagined Audrey’s fever-driven terror. Trapped in that tiny attic, sick, and alone. Mel imagined her condition deteriorating, even, the unthinkable -_

_Mel squeezed her eyes shut against that vision. Gripped the phone receiver so tight she lost feeling in her fingers. “I will. I will come. It’s alright, I will come, I will be there.”_

_“When?” Audrey asked plaintively, like a child._

_“Now. Tonight. I’ll leave as soon as I can, but I have to get medication, tell people that I’m going somewhere.”_

_The line was quiet for a while except for Audrey’s laboured breathing. “Please be quick,” she whispered finally. The line went dead, the dial tone ringing into nothingness, and it took all of Mel’s willpower to not smash the receiver into the wall._

_Mel forced herself to breathe. Categorise. The voice of her old calculus teacher slid into her head._ Focus on the logical things first. Forget the emotion. Think of it like a math problem. What must you do to solve this? __

_Mel packed a bag. Made some calls._

_“Jinju,” she said into the receiver, not even waiting for the other woman’s reply. “I need a favour.”_

_Jinju, thankfully, did not question this. She was probably used to these calls. “What do you need?” In the background, Mel could hear sounds of footsteps, of panicked voices. Jinju sighed. “Let me guess. Medication.”_

_Mel’s breath whooshed out of her in relief. She didn’t have to explain. “Yeah.”_

_There was a silence on the other end for a very long time. Mel could hear the gears turning in Jinju’s mind from here. “Okay. I’ll see what I can do.” She hung up before Mel could even thank her._

_An hour later, Jinju rung back. Mel had been sitting on her bed, alternating between biting her nails and pacing. She refused to watch the phone_ \- who am I, a lovesick teenager? - _but it was always there in the back of her mind. When the phone rang eventually, Mel jumped up and practically snatched it off the hook._

_“I got what you asked for. It’s in the subtrain. Underneath my room, next to the fire escape ladder. I put it on the floor behind so it’s a little difficult to see.”_

_“Jinju…”_

_“Don’t thank me. Just. Don’t do anything stupid, okay? I have to go.” Again, Jinju hung up unceremoniously._

_Mel put the receiver back. Sighed. Ran her hands through her hair. She had everything she needed…so why did she still feel so scared?_

* * *

Audrey broke into a wet coughing fit, curled up on herself. Mel gathered her up, rubbed her back until she calmed down. “Breathe, Audrey.”

“I’m trying,” Audrey choked out. “If I had known…how bad this was going to be…” She had to stop and catch her breath before continuing, “I would have…shut down the Nightcar earlier but - ” Audrey let out a sob, drove her head into Mel’s shoulder. “And now you’re here, and - “

“Hey, hey, hey, it’s alright, it’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.” Mel held her closer, pressed a kiss to her sweaty hair. “I came here myself. I made that choice on my own. Don’t worry yourself about it.”

Audrey rubbed her throat unconsciously; Mel wondered how much pain she was in. A lot, Mel assumed. “It’s gonna be okay, Audrey. Just keep breathing.”

“I’m scared, Mel,” Audrey said, her voice nearly gone. “Stay with me. Don’t leave me alone.”

Mel was as much jarred by Audrey’s extreme vulnerability as she was the usage of her nickname. “Of course, I won’t go anywhere. Try and relax. You’re safe with me.”

* * *

Mel awakened with a start - the train had hit a particularly large bump in the track. Audrey was still dozing, snoring gently through the congestion. There was no moon, and the room was in near darkness. The only noise was Audrey’s crackling breaths.

Audrey. The enigmatic leader of the Nightcar, who Mel just traversed a train in lockdown to reach. Could she think of anyone she’d ever do that for? Allie, definitely. Bennett or Javi, a tenuous maybe. Other than that, nobody. It scared Mel, that she just threw procedure out the window for this woman. During a time of crisis, engineers never left the engine. That was the Pandemic Guide’s, and by extension Wilford’s final, most essential command. Mel quailed a little bit, until she realised she had nothing to fear - there was no Wilford to answer to anymore. She got a brief surge of pleasure from thinking of his reaction if he was to see her now.

That line of thought led to an even bigger question - who was Audrey to Mel really? Friend, even close friend, didn’t cut it. ‘Friend’ was reserved for people like Bennett, Javi, Ruth maybe. So that was no good.

Were they…together? Was Audrey her lover? Mel had had pitiful experience in romance; the few encounters she’d had were short and disappointing, even the one that resulted in Allie. Until Audrey Smith, licensed therapist and lounge-bar singer crashed into her life. Until Audrey made a perfect storm out of Mel’s hospitality/engineer bubble.

Mel imagined all the things she’d done since she’d gotten here. The cuddling. The comfort. Sleeping in the same bed. Nursing Audrey through this illness. Even earlier than that: the secret visits to the Nightcar after hours. The experiences, many more than was normal for a train resident. The gifts. The nights spent together.

Uncaring of Audrey’s uncomfortably sticky fever heat, Mel pulled her closer, so close they were touching. The regular rhythm of Audrey’s breaths on Mel’s shoulder was disrupted for a few seconds, before she fell back to sleep. 

Annoyingly, Bennett’s words came back to Mel. _Whatever, go see your girlfriend._ A knowing smirk. As if everyone knew it already. Well, Mel would be open to that, if Audrey ever recovered enough for them to have a coherent conversation about it. Mel recited it silently in the darkness: _Audrey, my girlfriend._ It sounded…alright. Something that Mel could actually get behind.

Audrey moaned, squirming in Mel’s arms. Trying to fight off whatever she was seeing in her head. Mel shushed her gently, stroking her back until she calmed down. Silence returned, and Mel went back to thinking.

What demons lurked in Audrey’s mind? Everyone on the train had them, in the back of their minds and in the deep dark crevices of their hearts. Mel was no stranger to nightmares either, her own or others. Of people they lost, or had the misfortune to leave behind. Javi, his grandmother. Bennett, his entire family. After all the experiences in the Nightcar, Mel’s own bad dreams had lessened some. But every few months they would recur, and Mel would be left sweating, heart pounding, trapped in a fog of blind panic. Wide awake and terrified. Did Audrey have that? Alone in her tiny room, her mind assaulting her with flashbacks? Mel had flayed her soul open in front of Audrey at every experience, until there was nothing left to reveal. Audrey had yet to do the same. Whenever Mel asked, she brushed it off. _Doesn’t bear thinking about._ In this way, she remained a mystery.

A sharp intake of breath, a sob, then, “Melanie?” A questing hand against Mel’s side, a whimper of pain, a body shifting on the mattress.

“Yes, it’s me. It’s just me, you’re safe.” Mel couldn’t think of anything to say that would be comforting. _That was Audrey’s strong suit, not mine!_ She hoped her presence was enough. Mel pushed Audrey’s hair away from her face, felt the dampness there. There was very little light to see by, but Mel knew Audrey was watching her. “You’re okay. You’re with me, in your own bed.” Again the anxiety over seeing (or hearing) her like this rose up in Mel, coiling itself around her throat. Every time Mel closed her eyes, she saw Audrey dead. Joining all the people the train would lose to this unknown virus. Stacked on the piles of bodies in Disposal -

Mel’s hand clenched so tightly her nails dug into her palm. _Don’t go there. She will_ not _die from this! You will not let that happen!_

Audrey whined, perhaps sensing Mel’s dark thoughts. “Gonna be sick,” she said, already curling up in anticipation. Mel turned on the lamp quickly, flooding the room with its yellowish light. She supported Audrey over the basin, waiting the ten agonising seconds it took until she was done. Mel held Audrey’s hand as the latter finished throwing up, then guided her back to the mattress. Mel turned the light out, and the whole room was again plunged into darkness. She laid next to Audrey for a few minutes, trying to calm herself down. _It’s just puking. It’s not a big deal, Melanie. You’re just worried because it’s Audrey._

Audrey’s voice floated out of the darkness, interrupting Mel’s thoughts. “What’re you thinking about?”

“Nothing much. The train. The epidemic. How the hell I’m gonna help you recover.”

Audrey stayed silent for a few minutes. “I’m sorry for making you come down here,” she said eventually. “You probably didn’t have to. I was just afraid.”

“I wanted to. I wanted to be there for you.” Mel was glad that it was dark. If Audrey could see her face, Mel wouldn’t have been able to get the words out. “Why are you saying things like this? I was worried about you. I didn’t want you to be alone. That’s all there is to it.”

“Just seems like two of those things on that list are more important than me,” Audrey muttered.

“No, they’re not. Other people can handle that, all right? But there’s nobody I would trust with you. The train doesn’t matter if - ” Mel didn’t finish that very dangerous sentence. The frontispiece of the _Essential Snowpiercer Guide_ said ‘the train trumps all’. ‘All’ definitely included extraneous romantic relationships.

 _Oh, to hell with it!_ “This train doesn’t matter if you’re not in it, Audrey. Yes, the train is important. But…you’re more than that. I..I love you, and if you need help, I’ll be there.” Too late, Mel realised she’d said too much.

“You love me?” Audrey’s voice, disbelieving but slightly hopeful.

“I do. Is that enough of a reason for me to be here now?”

“It is. I love you too,” Audrey whispered, buried in the folds of Mel’s sweater.

**Author's Note:**

> There were so many italics in this fic, kill me pls


End file.
